Almost all marriages have issues. But some issues are more severe than others. When the severity of a marital issue begins to pose threat to the health and safety of a spouse, then the person at the receiving end should take deliberate steps to safeguard his/her life. In the case of spousal physical abuse, silence is the best way to empower the violator. Yes, I understand that it can be difficult to open up on some issues, especially given the profiles of the people involved and the unthinkable stories. But, if a spouse has gone to the extent of physically violating you, maintaining silence on it may not be in your marriage’s best interest.

The pattern of staying at the scene of torment and responding with words will only fuel the inferno; if you can, physically vacate the scene. Thereafter, the first thing you want to do is to report the incident; let it out. Yes, the aggressor may immediately realise his/her wrong and start apologising profusely; you still need to report the incident, and let him/her know. The reporting will not undo the assault that has happened but may prevent a recurrence. So, who should you report to? Certainly NOT your immediate or background family. Your parents and background family have every human and understandable vested interest in you and your well-being such that they are not the best speed dials for you to report to.

Every couple should have two or three persons or families who they have both known and trusted over time as people they are jointly/agreeably accountable to. It is important to have agreed on the names before crises happen. Please be careful of conflict entrepreneurs. You are looking for how to salvage your marriage, not escalate the issue to an irreparable point. Your pastors, unit leaders, mentors, friends, colleagues, or independent counsellors may be your speed dials in such crises. Again, relationship with them is very important, just as your understanding of how confidential they are. In very severe situations, however, you may want to call the police or ambulance first, and immediately. In such life-threatening circumstances, you will be justified in calling your background family - parents or siblings.

Depending on the severity, circumstances, history, and success of the intervention, you may well be having sex with your spouse by bedtime as you both begin the deliberate healing processes. However, if this spouse has the knack for improving on his/her previous assault and/or remains unrepentant with apologies that do not come with remorse and behavioural changes, then you may have to separate from such spouse, at least temporarily. Did I say file divorce after a slap? NO! Is it wrong to withdraw from war zones? YES!

With spousal abuse, Satan continues to win a case against the marriage institution. Ordinarily, it is an error to encourage the victims to stay in and continue to endure the torment. So, we emphasize that victims vacate war zones (some violent marriages are no less than Russia’s aggression on Ukraine) while they still can. No joy whatsoever in seeing marriages hit the rock but the corollary is simple: what will glorify God? Spousal abuse? No. Your untimely death? No. As long as there is life, there is hope that your marital life can still glorify God.

It is not a nice position to be in; it is not the best message to teach, but we have to face it. Leave to live. If your spouse continues to be a threat to your physical life and having done all, there seems to be no solution in sight, please prioritise your mortal life and separate from him/her. Yes, people may say all sorts - it is okay. You are safeguarding your own life, just as they are safeguarding theirs in multiple ways that you don’t know about. And, if you die avoidably in the course of pleasing naysayers, they are still going to be here to say all sorts anyway. God can intervene and solve the problems in your home, be alive to share your testimonies.

Selah!

© SELAH SERIES 2022