The paradigm shifts that continue to evolve in our societies impact every aspect of our lives. If there was a system that failed and gave birth to the thriving of “some” kinds of men, it has to be our societal value systems. I once asked a lady what her fiancé does for a living and she answered “business and logistics”. What kind of business and what nature of logistics? I probed further. Her answers were empty but folks around gave me nonverbal cues that ended my probing; yahoo. Next was an expensive societal wedding that trended online for so long.
Often, I struggle to recognise who we have become as a people in less than 3 decades. The principles of honesty, hard work, dignity of labour, purity, and modesty have been substituted in many quarters with trendy, materialism, and affluence regardless of any obvious question marks. The society that once questioned how a youth who wasn’t a dry cleaner came about bags of clothes is now launching “boutiques” (cars, houses) for folks who never toiled, who the society knows to be thieves and/or ritualists. Many of our beautiful ladies now prefer such men and many families consent to and give their daughters out in marriages to such men.
Many years ago, a wife beater (for instance) was a bad testimony to his family, society, and church. The societal rejections of such habits in men kept others away from evil patterns. I can recall a few men being sacked from their places of work or church leadership roles for how they maimed their wives or were not responsible for their nuclear families. Somehow, we have now built a level of tolerance for these wrong patterns. You see, these ignoble men didn’t fall from heaven; we raised them, and gave them rooms to thrive.
Many years ago, the Yoruba adage “pasan ti won fi na iyale wa l’aja fun iyawo” (the whip or ill treatments with which the first wife was tormented awaits the new wife) meant a serious warning for women to steer off a man with questionable antecedents. However, I can recall a lady answering that instructional adage with “let me get into his house first, I will take of pasan, the aja and the man”. Call it new heights of desperation or insensitivity or just stupidity, many ladies today walked into serious dangers, with their eyes wide open.
Without trying to be unduly harsh, some men aren’t supposed to have wives under their roofs because they don’t know how to be responsible for themselves, lest a family. Unfortunately, some of those men too are pressured by us into getting married because they are getting old. We pressurize ladies even more, especially as from their late 20s. Yes, we mean well. But you see, we have to stop playing gods in the lives of our people. Offer counsel, guidance, and prayers, but don’t pressurize them. Some of the ailing marriages around us today were products of pressures that led to desperation on the part of one or both individuals.
Likewise, our judgmental views and incursions beg for reconsideration. When we see homes struggling, a spouse moving out of their marriage, or couples seeing counsellors, we often run into judgemental conclusions. Marriages struggle for many reasons and we need to cease putting mouths in matters we know little or nothing about. It is better for a spouse to temporarily separate from a toxic and/or violent marriage than to die there.
And, we need to start praising couples who choose to seek help via therapies and counselling platforms. It shows how strong they are and committed to making their homes work. If people take their nails and cars to podiatrists and mechanics respectively, we should realise that there is nothing wrong if relationships and marriages need servicing or fixing too. By shaming those who seek help, we send messages to others to endure affliction rather than fix them.
Selah!
© SELAH SERIES 2022
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