What does your wardrobe look like? Full, I would presume. That fullness is the issue here. We hold tight to the clothes we are no longer using - or haven’t used in a long time for many reasons - the cost, pictures, history, occasions, how fitting, group or just to have a full closet. But in the real sense, many people don’t use more than half of their wardrobe, the other half is held for nostalgic reasons. The same sentimental longing or affection for past memories applies to many beleaguered friendships, relationships and fatality in marriages.

I once travelled for a wedding that was called off at the last minute because the bride decided to walk away. Oh, the barrage of questions and criticisms! The bitterness and annihilation; even by her own people!! In many ways, the “couple to be” had been the face of their parish when it comes to the model of Christian courtship, had excelled on many courtship hot seats, they were a joy to behold and it was easy for us to see a good marriage ahead of them. So, it was understandable when few people thought of mental health evaluation to be sure the bride was really okay.

The bride knew something that we didn’t know, she fought it and prayed against it, and sought help but all to no avail. But did she get to know on the eve or morning of the nuptials? No. She had built a social and professional reputation that couldn’t be imagined without her very amiable prince charming. As she later reported, she practically lapsed into depression while coping with all the notable red flags, in the hope that they would be sorted out at some point. She was honest enough to admit that love was not blind, but that nostalgia held her in captive for many years. Fearing for her life and mental health, she opted to suffer ridicule and shame in a culture and dispensation that is more judgemental than considerate. She walked away.

As she reflected, she was very sure that the mildest fate for her would be a lifetime battle with depression, and a mysterious untimely death being the worst if she had married her prince charming. In hindsight, I celebrate her walking away. Nostalgia and “what will people say?” have condemned many people to mental health challenges and untimely death. Generally, sex and financial benefits are the most prevalent nostalgic issues in relationships. Let’s straighten things out: sex is ONLY for the married and in the marriage. Zip up until the gate fee is paid. A relationship or courtship is not employment. With consistent and deliberate efforts, you too can be financially productive.

But among Christians, the history they are making or have made together, the disappointments of parents (biological and spiritual) they highly revere, the act of not telling the whole story, and the insensitivity or naivety of counsellors are the closest links to suffering through the red flags. Telling the whole story is central to these issues. Tell yourself the whole story - especially if you are not married yet. Stop counting your chicks before they are hatched. The idea of people in courtship starting a mortgage or buying properties together is not appropriate. For the married, tell yourself the whole story - only the living is married, safeguard your life.

In ideal and typical contexts, parents want the best for you, telling them the whole story will help them to appreciate the uniqueness of your situation and you may benefit greatly from the contextual guidance. In the case of parents who are not saved and/or whose desires negate the will of God for your life, prayerfully and humbly employ elders’ counsels to navigate the escape routes; God will always provide routes of escape. On the other hand, if having done the above but, you by chance, find yourself in the care of an insensitive or naïve counsellor, please be deliberate in humbly bowing out of the discourse. For example, if your pastor insists that you continue to live with an unrepentant violent spouse or your prophet supports pregnancy before matrimony - you know what to do. Run for and to safety.

Selah!

© SELAH SERIES 2022