The engagements on day 2’s post necessitated today’s post. Thankfully, some brethren aired concerns regarding Eliezer’s ministry and its understanding in contemporary days as matchmaking. The concerns among others include the thin lines between the rights and wrongs, possible excesses, hearing from human being rather than God, and who takes responsibility for marital choices among match-made brethren. Rarely can people err on the part of caution; so, none of these concerns can be underestimated.
On caution, how do we select cars or properties to buy? Is it by love at first sight or advertorials only? Words of mouth, reviews and background checks are vital to our major choices. In the peculiar settings of Christianity in the western world, how do young Christian adults who want to be married avoid falling into wrong hands (with all the leftists agenda) or left waiting for forever? God is the ultimate Guide, basic. However, the same God who used good people to guide us on our professional and financial decisions “can” (not will) do likewise regarding marital decisions.
Now let us realign ourselves to some basics. The term matchmaking has been synonymous to controversies among believers not because matchmaking itself is controversial or because it is not scriptural. No. I asked a dear Christian friend to please show me 3 couples in the Bible for whom we have accounts of how they met and where linking up or any other form of matchmaking was not involved. That was the end of her passionate argument on the scriptural correctness of matchmaking. Let us clinch something there - matchmaking is a helpful biblical culture that some people made controversial by their human errors.
In the pre-Pentecostal era of our grandparents and parents, how did couples meet? More still, is my Pentecostal generation faring any better in marriages than theirs? A friend raised a major point that women education and overall empowerment have meant that women can no longer be enslaved in the name of marriage. But as valid as that may be, not all the women in the previous generations were enslaved by their ‘lords’ all in the name of submission. At least I have two close examples in my grandma and my mother; besides countless others.
Few years ago, a colleague of mine explained that she wasn’t in a relationship at the time of the conversation but that she was going home soon and would return by a month’s time, as married. Trust me, I was curious and raised questions about the culture and the processes involved. It was the archetype of the principle that my mum followed in the late 80s to marry an Ilesha based damsel for her Kano-based cousin. While the same culture is sustained in India, it is going into extinction in Southern Nigeria, due to our bastardization of it.
The hypocrisy that we birth from tagging matchmaking as controversial is matchless. People go to marriage committees with mind-blowing convictions, having carefully rehearsed to omit how they were in actual fact linked up by colleagues and/or friends. “HOW DID YOU MEET?” is a famous question that I ask all friends going into marriages. It is central to many things. We will discuss more thoroughly later in the series how not telling everything leaves people not getting the maximum benefits of counselling and mentoring.
Linking people up in the context being considered here is entirely different from the black market operations that many matchmakers do. The Eliezer’s ministry is hinged on principles of absolute honesty, fairness, transparency and non-malevolence. While we were in nursing school, a friend wanted me to link him up with a lady in our fellowship and my answer was outright NO. I knew the lady to be a Christian while my friend was not saved, at that time. God forbid that I put myself at the centre of unequal yoking.
At another time, a male professional for whom I have highest regards was to be linked with a damsel. I insisted that I would have to open up to the lady on EVERY consequential detail that I know about him before crossing phone numbers, including a health concern, a notable issue from his past relationship and personality traits that everyone around at the time asked him to work upon. He pled that I should let him do it in a mature way but I held my ground. He agreed and we proceeded, with positive results, thank God. Many ladies are swayed by charming guys such that every detail they hear after their first meeting no longer matters. I know some spouses whose current marital woes could have been helped or altogether avoided had the people who linked them up done an honest, transparent and non-malevolence job. Eliezer was under oath to do righteously.
The matter of who takes responsibility is simple - own your decisions. Being linked with another person does not mean that you must indeed marry that person. Any friend, mentor or parent who decides to play God is not offering you good examples in the first place. A good leader in the faith will understand the role of God as the Guide unto Whom s/he is supposed to guide you. You may initiate friendships with whoever you are being linked to, but ensure that you don’t commit your words (proposal or yes) until you have accepted to own your decision and take responsibility for marrying him/her.
Selah!
© SELAH SERIES 2022
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