Day 8: Re Day 5 - Preventing Failed Distinctions

A darling sister and friend shared these thoughts and we got permission to publish them. It's a bit longer than the usual day's post, but practical. 

A. On discussing careers, spiritual giftings, etc during courtship and ensuring agreement, most times some interests evolve as we grow. 

A school of thought believes women who go into marriage too early (before 30 years) are very naive and have not really solidify their passion and interest in life. Also, that the process of pregnancy, childbirth and other experiences in marriage evolve new passions for women. And when husbands frown at these new changes and restrict their wives from their evolved interests and passions, conflicts arise. Women are often expected to and they actually do support their husbands' old or new ambitions. But some women have no autonomy to take on new interest or even continue old interest in many marriages. 

B. I personally just found out that upbringing and mindsets play a significant role in the quality of relationship between partners in marriage. These two factors may not be easily permiated and refined by biblical doctrines. Some Christians are so bent on not offering domestic help to their wives or help change babies diapers because they were taught and  brought up to believe that it's women's role, even though the wives also work and financially support the home as much as they do. 

C. Perhaps looking for qualities such as kindness, respect and being a 'romantic man' are better used as the major yardstick to say YES to a man. Because using the yardstick of "I heard God", he is a devoted Christian, a passionate Christian has failed many and still failing many. If not, how possible will unbelievers be having better, respectful and peaceful relationships than Christians?

The responses are as follows... 

A. I agree with the postulations regarding how we all evolve after marriage - with old and new passions. There are many career, ministry and humanitarian commitments my family are involved in today that we never saw coming at the beginning. But, we straightened out some things before our wedding. We discussed families that we so much admire and wish to emulate. We also highlighted areas in those families that we must revise and areas never to emulate.

I recall how we indirectly put a ceiling on our careers - we would not pursue our careers at the expense of our marriage and quality family life. We will prioritise family life above all else. We will not be busy that we end up being guilty. We will follow the teaching that Prof Erhabor (the Senior Pastor of Sanctuary of Hope Church, Ile-Ife, Osun-State, Nigeria) once shared - that a minister must first minister unto God and unto his/her family before ministering unto others. So, all passion, commitments, goals and aspirations must help our personal walk with God and our home - first and foremost. So, we are deliberate about not being everywhere, not showing up everytime, not able to reach everyone. But we will do our very best wherever and whenever God has chosen to commission or send us.

So, as we become overwhelmed and stretched with increasing demands, we constantly revert to the above and ensure that we are not hurting ourselves in the course of pursuing passion and commitments. We ask ourselves: How much time does this gulp? What sacrifices are required? How much of quality family time are we going to sacrifice? Must we do this? Are there commitments we can drop to accommodate this? And, I would imagine that a good husband will not park his wife's passion and ambitions under the bus. A good husband will take them on as his, because they are his. 

B. I would be very careful to brand/tag the men who deliberately don't help out with domestic chores as Christians. We can excuse situations where  there is mutual agreement with their wives on preference (e.g. some men are not so good with babies, some just don't like dishes - but do other things in the house), or the nature of their jobs/business, health issues, availability of helping hands and so on. But if a man deliberately, in this day and age, say domestic chores are solely meant for women, such a man needs help! Our great grandmothers were busy housekeepers whilst their husbands toiled hard, fending for the family. Balance is the answer! 

Today, the formal jobs of some women are tougher than their husbands' formal jobs. How then would you leave that woman with all domestic chores blaming upbringing or culture? Own up to your wicked ways with your full chest, sir!! The Jesus who washed His disciples' feet (imagine how dirty the feet of men who traversed the deserts) would have done more than dishes and laundry if he were to be married today. So, if he's not Christ-like, I will be careful to tag him a Christian husband. 

C. I am sad to admit that "God said" has been the greatest problem of many Christian homes. Many people become deliberately blind after "receiving". If the person lacks respect, character, isn't kind, doesn't fancy spending quality time with you, violates you, not physically attractive to you - well, it's your call to make. Receiving is great. But with some life experiences that we can now learn from - under God, receiving is not everything. Shine your eyes well, proactively raise/thrash grey areas and pray even more.

Mentorship for marriages is one of the topics we will cover at the Selah Intimacy Hub on August 17th, we are here so that you don't have to go through your marital challenges alone. 

© Selah Series 2024