Day 15: What to do with failed distinctions. 

Earlier in the Series, we looked at failed distinctions and how apparently perfect matches and mathematical figures don’t always correlate to marital bliss. We also looked at how our yet-to-be-married brethren can prevent failed distinctions. But we left a question hanging: “What to do with failed distinctions?” What should we do with people in marriages who are at the precipice? What should we do with homes where the men and/or the women now feel mismatched or disaffectioned? We will answer these questions and hopefully navigate to the wonderlands over the next few days. We are jump-starting marriages in Jesus’ name. So, let’s dive in. 

One of the most prevalent problems in Christian homes is how we fail to treat the issues; my marriage is not an exemption. Yes, Satan is waging war against Christian homes, but perhaps we blame the enemy too quickly, hastily commit God to fix the issues, and we end up not addressing what each person needs to improve on, continue with or stop altogether. It is important to admit you are having issues when and where such is the case and to identify your many differences proactively. If you don’t identify them, how can you fix them? 

As Prof L. D scolded me at a summer school in Greenwich last June, the greyness and imperfections are parts of the journey in phenomenology and philosophy. This counsel applies more to marriages; your differences are parts of what makes you unique. Identify them, face them and see which ones constitute deal breakers. What issues constitute your irreconcilable differences, putting your marriage at the precipice or tearing your hearts apart?

Where are you with your wedding vows? After eliciting the issues, come together to make things work again. Compromises, absorption, assimilation and integration are required in marriages more than in any other walk of life. Be deliberate about the process. Communicate and collaborate through the process with patience and understanding. And celebrate every small step in the right direction. 

This deliberate process will involve breaking down the barriers your respective perfectionism, rigidity and selfish interests have created. Discuss deep-seated hurts, unforgiveness or breach of your wedding vows, and enlist each other’s help. When James wrote about confessing our sins to one another (James 5 vs 16), he was telling us about an order. Healing of our hearts, homes and the wonderful results of our fervent prayers are all built on confession and forgiveness of sins. If required, please seek intervention with this process. We have continued to emphasise seeking intervention, it is because it is vital.  

Then what next? Connect once again. Discuss what attracted you to each other in the first place and retrace your steps. As we grow, evolve, and get used to each other, we run the risk of trivialising some simple things, such as human skills and characteristics that initially attracted us to one another. So, many couples easily and insidiously grow apart. There is nothing more dangerous in a home than spouses growing apart. You celebrate your growth, and everyone thinks everything is fine with you, but your love life is dying. Today is your perfect time to take stock and get to work. Remind and reinvigorate each other, and start reliving your earliest love life together. If you want, you can read your wedding vows to each other again. 

Crucially, though, please devise modalities to sustain your new resolve and revived love. Set SMART (simple, measurable, achievable, realistic and time-bound) targets and key performance indicators (KPIs). One more thing - focus on the small things. Respect, honesty, polite requests, prompt and sincere apologies, and the love languages (physical touch, act of kindness, affirmation of love, gifts and quality time) are terrific immune boosters that we often get used to and begin to trivialise or even lose sight of. If you lose sight of the small things, you will surely struggle with the less simple things.

© Selah Series 2024