Over a decade ago, I was interacting with the daughter of a family that I was very close with. Bolade (pseudonym) was less than 17 years at the time. Based on a few utterances from her, I asked her if she had a boyfriend. But, given her very conservative background, their church ethos and the innocent face of Bolade, one could hardly see a reason why Bolade needed to be bothered about such a question. She looked at me like a high school teacher would derisorily look at a perpetual latecomer pupil and said, “o ya yin o” (meaning I was asking quite late). I managed to keep my shiver within my visceral, and I profusely apologised.
Of course, nobody in her family knew anything about it, and it was a tug of war before she agreed to inform her more approachable aunt. After that “o ya yin” scolding, I asked other teenagers around me at the time the same question and a 16-year-old who reported having been recently “jilted” was the climax of their mindblowing answers. Then, I wondered what a 16-year-old had to do with heartbreak that early. I didn’t see these days coming.
Only ONE of these youngsters had informed a member of his family. You see, we have a tough choice here. Don’t allow such “nonsense” ever to be discussed with you by your teenagers, or you start preparing for the probable repercussions of the nonsense!
Judging by the cases we see at the Emerald Light Initiative, many Christian families align with the second choice. Sadly. Start age-appropriate sex education early, e get why o. Allow them to ask all their questions and offer correct but age-appropriate answers.
Military and no-nonsense daddies, please gather at the left side of the auditorium. You see, for all your care, labour and passionate love for your children, you deserve better than your beloved child feeling safer in the arms of the “opposite pole”. Many times, the opposite pole being the opposite gender is the mildest issue. Faith, character, family and values sometimes represent more severe opposite poles.
Relationships are central to our hearts. Communication is central to relationships. Love is synonymous with heart. We can argue that parents have the closest relationships and love with their children by many factors. But if a friend or schoolmate (regardless of gender, faith, values, or character) happens to offer better listening ears, attention and more peaceable words, pitch and tone - then you are fighting from a losing position.
The place to start is to become their playmate. The family should have relaxation time together and let them choose or influence the activity. In a relaxed atmosphere, they can ventilate their minds more than during the military questioning sessions "on who did what"? Listen a lot more and be in the present - attention. Don’t scream or be thrown off balance, even when you have the reason to. You would be surprised how much they are ready to communicate with you.
A few months ago, my uncle expressed concerns regarding his now introverted 25-year-old daughter. My recipe was simple. Come off your high and executive horse. Travel to her city, take her out - like on a date. Spoil her and chat away. No questions, just listening and attentive ears. Uncle came back with smiles and prayers. They hadn’t had such a good time in many years. Of course, she opened up her heart to her dad. Sometimes, the child, teenager, or young adult may not respond immediately, but please persist patiently.
And it is from the posture of effective communication that your relationship excels to the point where you can audit what goes on in and around them, influence their choices and decisions, especially who they call friends.
Pray with them. And let them be confident that they can share prayer points with you - even their unbelievable ones too. Lastly, sincerity and confidentiality are integral to everything.
©️ SELAH SERIES 2023
