Somehow, I avoided going on the rollercoaster during last summer’s family holidays. But for me, the 2023 summer has been a chain of rollercoasters, with many trips and timelines. Some days ago, while navigating some of the busiest schedules of my young life, I had to journey with an Uber driver, running against time to catch my flight back home. I wasn’t in the mood and had no time to talk or listen to stories, especially not horrific stories of a wrecked marriage. But Phil (pseudonym) would respond to my courteous “How are you today?” with thought-provoking conversations.

We spoke about weather, global warming, economy, fitness, health, and Phil’s stance on how his smart and healthy choices meant that he hadn’t been to the doctor in nearly three decades. I told him that countless people are so careful about health habits and lifestyles but still struggle with their health and that God should be praised for his wonderful testimony. He wouldn’t have “another of those fabled stories about the man upstairs”. God hasn’t called me to argue with atheists. Here, God wants me to listen.

So, I chose to agree with him, and the conversation continued. Moments later, the 51-year-old Caucasian Phil would lead our chat to the insane world we now live in - gender, marriages and parenting especially. And by the time he reiterated how he has problems trusting anyone, especially ladies, I had to ask if he was married. Phil is a father of two, divorced from his first marriage and has been with his current woman for seven years; she is a mother of one.

He noted how, on the surface, their blended family of five appears to be faultless. But that all hasn’t been well between him and the lady. Phil was sincere in admitting that he was the problem. His trust issues cost him his first marriage and hurting his current union.

So, I asked about his mum and if he has sisters, aunts or female friends. Don’t judge people, even if you think you know their stories! 

Phil grew up in foster homes with God knows how many children. In such environments, you struggle for resources and fight for survival - both literally and especially psychologically, emotionally and socially. He noted with dropping pitch how he changed homes so frequently and barely passed through early education. He recounted the abuses he endured and how some females in the facilities would leverage vulnerability socially accruable to the female gender to get away with just anything.

“Do you think this woman loves you?” I asked. His YES was very confident. I followed up with - “Do you love this woman?” His answer was rather philosophical - it depends on what I think love is and all and all. My answer was simple - what is love without trust? Internally, I began to fear for the woman. I asked if he knew he needed help, and Phil admitted so. He doesn’t believe in concretising their relationship to marriage because he fears another failed marriage. So he is so philosophical about why tying the knots is not even as important as we make of it. But how can you rate highly the sanity of yester-generations about male and female definitions, parenting but question their stance on marriage this way? I queried.

Here, I began to see Phil. A trusting little Phil, lied against by other children in the foster homes, sexually abused by older girls who always pinned it on him, and taken from home to home. A Phil who needed help but was tasked to help as adulthood came with responsibilities; a Phil who entered into his first marriage with a barrage of untreated traumatic childhood issues; a Phil who entered into the second union with post-traumatic stress disorders from his early life and broken marriage; a Phil who needs help - therapy. And he agreed with these views. Hence, I beseeched him to open up to his woman and seek help.

So many marriages have Mr or Mrs Phil. The challenges in their current marriages are deeply rooted in their childhood, abuse, rape, poverty, broken relationships, past lives, divorce/separation, bereavement etc. If you are a “Phil” reading this, imagine the Lord reaching out His hand to you, saying, “Come on, Phil - you can trust me; I mean well. It is okay if you want to cry; I’ve got broad shoulders because of you. It’s okay if you have questions, roll them on me. It’s okay if you are tired, that’s why I’m here. It’s okay if you don’t think I exist; I understand that you have trust issues anyway. Just take the risk, and come on, let’s take a walk”.

If you are Phil reading this, God told us about you. Please trust God and seek help. Your spouse, children and everyone around you need the best version of you, the helped and rescued you. And you know what? Even, you deserve the best version of yourself. Heal, even if slowly, no problems. Just start the healing now. Who do you want to call? Pray about it. If you wish, you may contact us or ask us for whom to call. We love you.

As I raced to hop on the departing bus, the Holy Spirit told me about the purpose of that conversation and such a complicated trip. Hence, I had to risk missing the bus, as I pegged back to seek Phil’s consent for extracts of this encounter to be published in the Selah Series - and he consented. Off I went, Homebound via Chicago.

© SELAH SERIES 2023