Some people can recall few tragic experiences of pipeline explosions, petrol tankers or filling stations on fire, or any other fire outbreaks. TV images of 9/11 or the Grenfell tower are very traumatic pictures that many people can easily recall. One common survival instinct that characterizes these sad situations is – people running out for their lives. They don’t think about their belongings and valuables; they don’t drag themselves around hoping that the fire will be miraculously or mysteriously extinguished; they are not calling their spiritual leaders to seek permission before they run towards the emergency exits. They take responsibility for their lives and they employ an adrenaline rush to run as far as they can until they get to the safe assembly point.

Violence in any marriage should not be treated less than fire outbreaks. Once the conflicts get to boiling points and your spouse is beginning to show some violent tendencies, the wise thing to do would be to peaceably leave the scene and be safe as you send in fire safety officers to mediate in your marital issues. The spouse who has been murmuring feeling in bondage with you may seek an emergency escape route by doing the unthinkable if you don’t carefully rectify the issues or separate while still alive. The spouse who burns down towers in the moments of anger should return from “rehab” with an expert’s discharge letter before you start living with him or her again; lest you might be the next tower s/he will hew or burn down.

Statistically, the majority of the people who died from intimate partner violence had a previous incident(s) and most are either unreported or not appropriately managed. Some verbal threats should be reported to someone you both know or even to the security agents depending on the weight of the threats, the contexts, and the antecedents of the person issuing the threats. Don’t just sit there and pray for God to touch the hearts of monsters, safeguard your mortal life first. We don’t mean that all arguments in marriages should be reported to the nearest police station; otherwise, we will all be living on the queues in the police barracks, because there are no marriages without issues that they argue on. But, if an adult threatened to kill you, don’t just think that s/he was only angry at the time, the thought processes that birth such a reportable threat would predate the moments of anger.

Furthermore, there are more subtle cases of domestic violence. A few years ago, a husband grew so jealous of his wife’s business progresses that few dangerous utterances began to emanate. The woman resorted to prayer and seeking counselors’ interventions. Over the next few months, diabolical and fetish items were found in the house and pieces of evidence surfaced that the aim was to wait for the right and less suspicious timing to kill the woman. The saving grace was that she got someone in the camp of her husband who leaked the evil plan. Many others without such insight died, untimely.

I know that love and marriage are mysteries and the biochemistry involved in these topics can override some principles of common sense. For instance, adults who were practically exchanging heavy slaps in public suddenly paused and started deep kissing, as though someone had just switched on a button in their heads. I don’t understand that and I don’t want to slap my wife in order to understand. But, I would presume that comes from their knowledge of each, to know when such moment of madness is safe and when to flee. But in any case, I would plead that couples don’t allow themselves to get into combats, at no time, please. I remember a case of a husband who physically abused his wife and by the time I got speaking with the distraught woman, I didn't need to tell her to temporarily leave the house. No, I didn’t, because I could hear background conversation of the man reporting himself to elders over the phone and seeking urgent intervention. If the man had been cursing and threatening to have another go at his wife, I would have instructed the wife to stay on the phone while she is exiting the house for a safe harbour while we send intervention to meet with the wrestler.

Furthermore, I am aware that in many cultures, especially among Africans, women are not supposed to be as “brave” as to move out of their matrimonial homes, however toxic it has become. Doing so would be considered a thing of shame not only for the woman but also for her background family. Incidentally, that school of thought does not passionately and publicly condemn the hooligans who physically violate their wives. While I can’t fault your cultures and values, I would have the women bear in mind that it takes being alive to be married and that in such circumstances, deciding to safeguard your life and sanity is not a thing of shame but “bravery”. Moreover, moving out of the wrestling ring doesn’t necessarily mean walking out of the marriage permanently.

The spirit of anger and violence has its root in some temperamental flaws, usually, that haven’t been seen in their devastating light and thoroughly worked upon. Everyone going into (or in) marriage should carefully work upon themselves and their emotions. Arguments will happen too many times, and you may lose many or even all. Heated conversations may degenerate and you may be very hurt, but to raise your hand in physical combat against your spouse should not be the way to go. That should never be. If you can’t bear the provocation any longer, please get your socks and shoes – go for a walk. You may send a “constructively worded” (no finger-pointing) chat to your spouse informing how you were almost losing it and how you were deeply hurt by his/her choice of words. If you are deep enough, you may actually also apologize for your role in the disagreement. Every man should know that beating his wife is just a sign of all-round weakness – not strength.