In some cases, the best of friends still go their different ways; there are children who no longer have anything to do with their biological parents, and sibling relationships don’t work in many families, regardless of whatever you do to salvage them. Naturally, each of us evolves over the years, and so do our thoughts and perspectives. Our works, new surroundings, varying life experiences, and many other factors shape and reshape not only who we are but also how we see the people around us and how relevant they are. For many more reasons, close friends and siblings grow apart; and sometimes in just a short period of time. Marriage is worth much more than friendship, sibling, or parent-child relationships.

For Christians, conflict resolution is straightforward – as long as we live by the Scriptures. If you are hurt by the careless or carefree expressions of your spouse, please employ careful wording to call his or her attention to how you received the message. If it is something more complicated, you may call a meeting between the two of you, and in a serene environment. In the event of lingering conflicts that you both have done everything within your capacities but are still unable to resolve – SEEK HELP. The most important factor is to ensure that the issues don’t put you apart. The way conflicts multiply during the cold days is unimaginable. Your heads are harbouring hurtful feelings which are getting more hurtful and bitter as you maintain cold bridges between you. Our ritualistic family devotions and eating together don’t help so much to cancel out unaddressed and untreated issues, unfortunately. Please communicate peaceably that all is not quite well and be honest with each other regarding the magnitude. If it is beyond you both to fix, mutually decide to seek help and who to go to.

In the process of waiting for the intervention stage, the atmosphere in your house must be maturely maintained. That is not the time for you to be singing or listening to some songs that can be easily misinterpreted; that is not the time to reopen some acquaintances that you know may not help your conflict resolution process; that is not the time to seek some emotional sympathizers or conflict entrepreneurs; that may not be the time to start some long term commitments or friendships; more so, please keep your children out of your marital conflicts – please; and as much as possible, seek resolution and work towards it.

When you are to explain your side of the story, please don’t lose respect for your spouse. From my young experience in conflict mediation, I can recall how some ‘air your mind’ sessions actually made the conflicts worse by either or both employing some condescending or unedifying utterances. When you replace the romantic pet names or first names (whichever you use often) with name callings or using his/her errors to tag him/her, you are actually laying foundations for a more complicated conflict. In the same vein, too many times, people forget that they have worse cases in their own background families and they make the mistake of drawing infamous references from the background families of their spouses, this is not wise and it can only make things worse – escalate conflicts. However bad our background families are, we still don’t want others to drag them into our marital conflicts.

And, please bear in mind that we are still children of God and that the other person in context is your spouse. So, a WIN for your marriage is the target, not necessarily a win for you personally. When you become so defensive of your version of the stories that you forget to acknowledge the positive things done by your spouse or you ‘deliberately’ forget to mention what you could have done better in the conflict process, perhaps you are no longer seeking a WIN for your marriage. The key here is actually about being totally honest, regardless of if rosy or rocky patch of the ride. When you come to a conflict resolution meeting admitting some wrongs and few things that you could have done better, and highlighting this and that done well by your spouse, you are portraying yourself as honest to a fault, as respectful, and thankful for the good sides of your spouse, as not being afraid to be wrong and corrected. It will help your spouse to reinforce trust in you and your commitment to making your marriage work. You are helping your marriage to find peace in a crooked world.

As difficult as it is to accept, couples too can grow apart. They may live in the same house and on the same matrimonial bed but be miles apart. And, there may not be toxic conflicts or any third parties involved. In this situation too, seeking help is vital. Don’t be afraid to explain that for reasons you don’t thoroughly understand, your mind seems to be wandering all over the place. If you know the reasons, please state them – doing otherwise will only harm your marriage. Transparency in marriage should include especially our vulnerable spots.

If you have sought help but still not helped, please check between yourselves if you were truly honest in the first attempt and decide if you require seeking help again, if from the same person/family or if a new person/family. It is always better if you agree on where to seek help from and be sure that the person/family will be accountable to God enough as not to become conflict entrepreneurs. Just a little reminder to mediators as well, that God expects 100% accountability from us. 2 Sam 23 vs 3 says "The God of Israel said, the Rock of Israel spake to me, He that ruleth over men must be just, ruling in the fear of God". So, you CANNOT afford to be taking sides. Please.

And, most importantly, God is the sure Help in all times and all seasons. If you can come together before the Almighty God before whom there are no shadows or secrets and open up to each other and apply the Scriptures to your conflicts, that may just be enough. But again, please be sure that all issues have been treated and disposed of. And, booking appointments with Him is so easy, He is ready, when and if you are.