It is important for us to get some things clear. No two human beings can coexist without their differences – from basic things such as preferred colour combinations and food choices to as complicated issues as temperament, faith, career, and marital choices. I know few twins and I can assert that the most identical and closely knitted of them still have their stark differences. Sharing the same placenta for around nine months and growing together do not make twins to be exact same replica of one another. In addition, the best couples you know still have their differences. That we are not aware of these differences doesn’t rule out those peculiarities and differences. Opposite poles attract is a famous elementary science principle and it applies to marriage, perhaps more than any other aspect of life.

It is actually logical and easy to comprehend. We are most thoroughly fascinated by the attributes we see in others that we have hitherto considered being ‘otherworldly’. We are attracted to them by the mysterious blends of the similarities we share, as well as our dissimilarities. Through the relationship, courtship, and honeymoon stages, we are usually wowed by the similarities and those opposing attributes that we have previously considered to be of rare species; such that one feels endlessly thrilled to have found the other. How I wish honeymoons don’t end!

The budding and bedding-in processes may take longer in some marriages, depending on how very honest and transparent the couples are to one another. Though, honest and transparent couples who mostly employ avoidance and accommodating methods of conflict management may also take long, depending on how far and deep their elastic limits and breaking points are. Therefore, the phase will come to reality when the differences begin to lead to arguments and conflicts. Depending on how they are able to spontaneously communicate these with one another and knit the issues in the bud. The few differences may become the microscopes with which they begin to view not only their opposing attributes that once wowed one another, but also to unconsciously reassess the similarities that they once found as ‘made in heaven’.

Marriage is work and it takes a great commitment from the couple to make the work succeed. The opposing traits that wowed you are mostly products of chemistry tagged - temperament. The traits are sustained by so many personal but fundamental views, thoughts, and perspectives which are almost exactly opposite of yours. That is what you have signed to make work. I am from a sanguine mother and a phlegmatic father; a thorough choleric mother and a record-keeping melancholic father. You can begin to imagine their dissimilarities. Now, I know better. Like mother, I am a blend of sanguine and choleric; although the orderly and punctual version of sanguine. My restlessness got me wanting tranquillity and beauty in whomever Mrs. Lekan – Agunbiade shall be. God graciously granted my heart’s desire. But little did I know that although a phlegmatic spouse may offer tranquillity, too much silence kills my sanguine core. Below is a section of the message that I sent to my wife on our 8th wedding anniversary.

“Dear Titilayo,

Many thanks for agreeing to marry me.

When (on this day 8 years ago) I took custody of you from God our Father and our beloved Papa Isola Akintilo (God rest his soul), I had all the choleric insights as to how marriage will play out and how God was going to practically carry us through every hitch on our ways. We would be #TeamInvincible#.

As the months rolled by and hitches tumbled in, and we had arguments and few differences became obvious - I began to think that maybe we were never meant for each other in the first place. One day in particular, I was so confused - this lady deserves better - a guy who fits her specs and wouldn't bother her phlegmatic nature so unnecessarily.

But, a few months back, I entered into the shower and the water was so hot that I almost ran out. Wow!! Does my wife now bathe with such hot water? I once feared that we may never have a shower together. Time and again, I now wonder who is naughtier of the two of us. Also, how I now detest a kitchen sink that has used plates overnight still amazes me. Integrated”.

Integration, patience, excellent communication, and deliberate commitment are essential tools that every couple must employ and while some results may happen instantly, it may take a few years or even decades for some opposing perspectives and preferences to align, if at all. The “if at all” clause will therefore bring in the word – acceptance. There are some fundamental differences that we may not be able to erase. It may be difficult to convince a woman to like colour blue, but you both can come to learn what a great combination you can get from some specific shades of blue and pink. That will be you employing your differences to beautify your marriage. In some other aspects, you may not be able to combine your “blue and pink”, but you can choose to be intentional in reaching a compromise or collaborate on some mutually beneficial and respectful options. On another hand, one or both of you may have to totally rethink your previous stance and the person being served should be grateful and use it as an avenue to explore how to do more in return. Self-denial shouldn’t be a one-way thing.

Selah

© Selah Series 2021