Few months ago, I was on a boys' out session with my friend’s three teenage sons. Among many topics we had to deliberate upon, the mother had hinted me that the grades of one of them were nose-diving from 78 – 85 to 65 – 74 and she was terribly concerned. I initially found it so tough, bearing in mind that my best high school stats didn’t come close to the lowest figures of this young chap.

Right there and then, I recalled how I terribly dislike the deceitful parents who boast of great school grades and blame finances as the only reason they are not professors or the greatest scholars ever. I recalled once reading a sad ‘joke’ of a father who was verbally tearing his children apart upon seeing ‘their’ woeful school result, only to be politely guided to read his name on the top of the sheet. There was only one option for me – to be real and use my failings to guide my young friends away from failure.

While I have never had to repeat any class except for SSCE (please bear in mind that I am not better than those who repeated classes), I still reflect (mostly) on my high school grades and they weren’t the best. So I began to tell my friend's son how I fared and the myriad of factors that affected me, while carefully taking responsibility for my average grades. I asked my young friend to list his own challenges and he answered “nothing”. The “nothing” was the window of opportunity for me to shift attention away from my average figures to his worsening grades.

As he empathetically wondered how I was still able to achieve average grades despite the agonizing circumstances that featured extreme hunger and poverty, I guided him to wonder what was stopping him from being his best and attaining higher grades. From that point, he understood his parents’ frustrations and promise to fire harder.

However, I told him that I don’t care what position he is in his class or what grades he comes out with; the aim is not a lifelong competition with his friends and classmates, but with himself – seeking to improve on his best. Moreover, I care that he is putting in his very best not just to his academic performances but to everything he is involved in or doing.

Almost the same approach was deployed to address the amazing chap who was becoming disobedient of recent. He just needed to have a feel of history and how quality parental guidance may appear harsh but necessary for whoever will go far in life. They were surprised that as an adult, I still have many people upon whose guidance and counsels (under God) I base my life’s decisions and I emphasized to them that not heeding those insights and counsels can only hurt me, not the person (or God) whose guidance I refused. And I gave them few examples. Whilst not trivializing the practical, moral and spiritual benefits of respecting and heeding parental guidance, the emphasis was on their potential losses and pitfalls, most of which they can avoid.

Most of our discussions centred on history, the value of money, business and entrepreneurship; but via the fact that the most intelligent people rule the world’s economy – and who are not necessarily the most brilliant. While brilliance may be mostly around academic performances, intelligence will apply to wider scopes of their lives and will be the product of all-around self-discipline and improvements. A senior friend (now a consultant medical doctor) once recounted how her dad (a university professor) would teach them how to do the dishes and laundry with emphasis on excellence; as the professionals who work in hotels are no superhumans.

We don’t need to crash their confidence and self-worth. The aim is to build not destroy them. We can help them use their strengths as the lens with which they will view and assess their weaknesses. For instance, a teenager who attained 75% in physics should be applauded and be guided to see how s/he could improve much more on the average grades in maths or chemistry, with just improved concentration and positive commitments. Or a good grade in Biology can be used to make case for improvements in Agricultural science; and vice versa.

In the same vein, good performances with musical instruments or sporting activities or arts & crafts can be used to draw out improvements in cleanliness, chores, and cooking. Success usually operates on a positive feedback mechanism, and that explains why successful people continue to chase more landmark achievements. If you can do this great stuff, then you are well able to excel in this and that. And, applauding children and teenagers doesn't destroy them, it does rather the opposite.

Each of these three boys is by far a better teenager than I was and with the unlimited 21st century’s facilities at the disposal of teenagers, especially in a developed nation, what they can become is limitless. But, rather than dig deep into them and parade their weaknesses to drive home the points, I dug into myself and I was not afraid to be vulnerable before them on the premise of making them appreciate how great they are and how far greater they can be.

They left the meeting feeling grateful to God and to their mother whilst thirsting to reach out for nobler heights. That was the day our friendship attained a new plateau and the latest results depict significant improvements, in addition to some lovely character reports from their mother, some dross and age-related truancy notwithstanding. Parenting is not a sprint, it is a marathon; each step forwards take us closer to destiny.

Selah

© Selah Series 2021