I am an accidental mother! I neither prepared nor ready to become a wife not to talk of a mother, when I became one. My journey into accidental motherhood began in my 300level in the University when I slide back to my vomit, after I had given my life to Christ a year before. I would have opted for abortion if it had happened before my encounter with Christ but having been born again, I had a God-consciousness that constrained me from compounding my sin. The fear of God prevailed over even the desire to cover my shame.

I was a motherless child myself by then, having lost my mom 7 years earlier. My father was a mobile police officer on transfer to the northern part of the country and I was the eldest of the 3 children left at home in the barracks. There was no close extended family that I could confide in for help and guidance, so I carried my cross alone.

The family of the guy was ready to help me out on the condition that I moved into their house as his mom flatly refused to move out of her husband’s house to come and stay with me in a one-room apartment that I was proposing to move into.

I was a chorister in my church and I continued until about the 6th month when I informed my pastor. I was suspended from the church's workforce and placed on church discipline. I stayed in the church, still and was counselled not to move into the guy’s family house where he stayed with his parents, that I only carried his child, I wasn’t his wife. This strengthened my resolve not to go but there was no help from anywhere to even get the one-room apartment I was trying to get. I was hoping one of the mommies in the church would offer me a room in their 'locked up boys quarters' but that never materialised.

I was still in my father’s quarter in the barracks when labour came and I found myself in the hospital. An aunt came visiting to the hospital when she heard that I had put to bed and prevailed on me to move into the room I was offered in the guy’s house so they could take adequate care of the baby me. She didn't offer more than that. So, I succumbed since I had no wherewithal nor knowledge of how to take care of a baby. And that decision marked the worst mistake I ever made in my life, the worst, by far!

I suddenly became a wife and mother without preparation! As the ‘wife’ in the house, I had the responsibility of sweeping the house, drawing water from a nearby well, washing the plates, going to the market, cooking at least twice a day for the whole family. The house had needed a domestic staff (housemaid).

These were apart from taking care of my baby and myself, washing clothes etc. Needless to say, this was overwhelming for me! My expectation of help for the chores from my son’s dad led to endless fights and frequent beatings. Yes, beatings. I became estranged from him and his family. Life was lonely, I felt trapped and hopeless. Life became a continuum of sleeping, waking, doing chores, caring for baby, fights and sleep again. I was just existing, not living.

I had to drop out of the University in my final year when it was beginning to show I was pregnant, because of shame as I had been active and notable in the faculty before then. I returned to school after I had missed a session and my son was 5 months old. My project supervisor helped me obtain a retrospective leave of absence that enabled me to continue and my father was magnanimous enough to pay the fees.

But alas, I couldn’t concentrate because of all I was facing at home! I ended up spending 3 years to do my finals as I kept failing one particular course. After the second extra year, I had to graduate with an ordinary pass after 8 years of doing a 4 year course!

After 3 years of staying in my son’s father’s house, I moved out and started attempting to put my life together again. Along the line, I had reconciled with God and joined an interdenominational fellowship. I realised the sinfulness of living with a man I wasn’t married to. I left the house without a destination in mind. Moving from one friend’s house to another. One night, while attempting to sneak into a friend’s room, because her landlady didn’t want anybody squatting with her, I was found out and there was a real upheaval. I felt so overwhelmed by life and decided to end everything by killing myself. The thoughts that kept me back from jumping from the decking of that storey building was the fear of going to hell, my son's suffering and my father’s pain.

Eventually, by God’s help, I got a job with the fellowship I had joined earlier and at last, I rented a room apartment. I had my toddler son with me, and I worked while trying to finish school. I was finally mobilized for NYSC, some months before my 30th birthday. Getting to camp in Yola, Adamawa state, I was excited to hear about a Christian fellowship that reaches out to young people in schools, to lead them to Christ and help them grow in walking with Him.

I volunteered to serve with the Fellowship of Christian Students because of the opportunity it afforded me to reach young people for Christ, share my experiences and dissuade them from following the path of sin that I followed. I didn’t want anyone to go through what I went through if I could help it!

After NYSC, I got called to continue as a full-time missionary with FCS and I was posted to oversee the schools in Bauchi State, establishing fellowships where there were none, nurturing existing ones and training them for life and godliness with some older volunteer Christians referred to as associates in the state. My mission field included all primary, secondary and tertiary schools in the state. This actually gave me access to; witness to, disciple and train thousands of Christians and converted students in the State between year 2008 and 2011, before I was finally led to resign and come back to the South.

As delightful and fulfilling as it was for me, by the grace of God, to shine the light to young people and help them avoid the sting of sin that I experienced, the dark spot was having to leave my son back with his dad and his family. I attempted to pick him severally but the father will always insist that his son will not live in the North and that if I was interested in reuniting with him, I must return to the South. But by 2010, God told me it was time to go back and raise the boy for Him.

So I resigned and returned to another town in the South-West in 2011. Coming to this town was another divine arrangement for me. I grew up and had lived most of my life in Ibadan and had every mind of returning there from the North. But God arranged a friend to invite me to stay with her at that time, which I did. I moved to the town, picked my son and we were settling down only for my friend to relocate a few months after our arrival! Life!!

We stayed on in the town however, and I was offered an appointment with another Christian organisation reaching out to young people. God led us to join a vibrant church with a good children department for my son as well as another interdenominational organisation to fellowship with brethren. God was gracious to provide a Christian bookshop for us through the church and even a job opportunity came later on, in a tertiary hospital. And through the interdenominational fellowship, I met and eventually married my husband in 2016 to the glory of God.

LESSONS FROM MY LIFE

Being an accidental mother is not the end of life! God is able to build a beautiful edifice of hope from the shattered pieces of our lives if only we can hand them over to Him.

Yes, choices have consequences, but then, God doesn’t deal with us the way we deserve but He is ever gracious and merciful.

My mess actually became my message! What I passed through was what burdened my heart and gave me a ministry to young people.

The worst decision the parents of an accidental mother can take is to throw her to the boy and/or his family! As painful and unexpected as the experience may be, please give her another chance, don’t drop your lofty godly plans for her or let her personal dreams for her life die! She can still become what she was meant to be!

Abortion is not the way out! It may cover your shame temporarily, it has grave and serious consequences later. I thank God I didn’t abort my son, the young chap is now a Law student in the University.

The church as a whole or people in the church should go beyond judging and condemning an accidental mother. She needs help, love and support to stand and not continue compounding her errors.

The society should also stop stigmatising and even ostracizing an accidental mother. Let’s stop trying to limit their destinies to their mistakes. Let’s help them to dream again and live their dreams!

Finally, indeed, the best decision an accidental mother can take is knowing and walking with God, in spite of her sin! Indeed, Jesus did not come to save those without sin, He came for the sinful people! Lift up your eyes to the hill, your help comes from there! Looking inward will depress you, looking around will condemn you, but looking upwards will guarantee help as the Ever-Present Help is always there, neither sleeping nor slumbering!

Credit: Thanks to Sis Z. Z. for sharing her story. When the Holy Spirit asked us to write on this topic and led us to Sis. Z, we didn't know that God was only preparing us for a bigger role with accidental mothers. By the Lord's grace, Titilayo and I will be interested to work with destinies "thrown out" just because of teenage pregnancy.

Have a beautiful day and weekend.

© SELAH SERIES 2020