We had a petrol-powered grinding machine in the mid-90s with no functional tank indicator, and we usually struggled with one situation that I now reflect upon as so embarrassing - running out of petrol while working. So, when I started to drive, I gave myself a golden rule - to never run out of petrol. I haven’t, but those who have run out of petrol while travelling may relate to the embarrassment more than others. Marriage is like a fuel, gas, or battery-powered machine with an indicator. The problem is that many usually lose sight of their indicator. 

You may be wondering what the indicators are. When you are so comfortable and overfamiliar with your spouse that you begin to respect him/her less than you would in informal conversations respect your senior pastor or senior pastor’s wife, your immediate manager at work or the chairperson of your community - you may be running out of petrol already. I deliberately didn’t cite friends and family as examples. Respect means different things to different people; you should know what your spouse sees respect to mean. 

As simple as it may appear, Gary Chapman’s five love language is a wondrous Revelation for any marriage. When you begin to care less about living the love languages important to your spouse, you are running out of fuel. One day, I reflected on “if only I verbalise my love to Titilayo as frequently (so many times a day) as I do to one of our sons, maybe she would believe me more”. Smiles. Touches should not be only aimed at sex. Gifts should not be at birthdays and Christmas - and don’t have to be expensive. Chores and cooking don’t have gender prescriptions, just as every other act of service. We get so busy that we often forget these basic stuffs, especially quality time. But we aren’t busy enough not to queue for fuel. We do. Maybe it’s not that we are so busy, but rather that we get used to one another so much that we forget to continue maintenance functions. 

If the above are not spotted and fixed promptly, and especially if coinciding with some extraneous factors such as joblessness, bankruptcy, ill health, suboptimal sexual experience, infidelity, lack of trust, nonconstructive intrusions from in-laws, any form of abuse, especially physical and sexual and so on, then such a marriage can be considered as being at the precipice. Say - gas is running out on the expressway. Usually, however, couples don’t get to the ridge overnight. They arrive there over years of disregarding the beeping indicators and living on pseudo-peace. 

When such happens, what do we do? Do we abandon the cars on the road or motorway and just move on? No. Instead, we face the situation, defying the embarrassment. But in 21st-century’s marriages, many people are too embarrassed to do the needful. The first thing to do is acknowledge your situation. Sit at the table to discuss your issues in a non-confrontational manner. Instead of a combative finger-pointing approach to such an important meeting, admit imperfection by first discussing what you know you could improve upon before moving on to what you expect your spouse to improve upon. So many marriages would be restored if couples could complete this meeting in a fank but non-combative manner. 

But usually, because the issues are chronic, you may need someone to intervene. If close by and if a manual car, then prayerfully enlist a few hands to push this car to the next filling station. There is a better idea - walk, cycle, get a bus to the next filling station and get fuel for your marriage. In application - the former is mutually bringing yourselves to the point of constructive intervention. The latter would represent either of you seeking the intervention of a well-meaning person or family. Oh, that embarrassing feeling of opening up our uncomfortable issues to those who have always respected us. I know it because I was there before. But the choice is yours - go through the discomforting engagement within a closed group or live failed marriage publicly or endure the rest of your marital journey. Which burden is the lightest?

©️ SELAH SERIES 2023