One thing every couple that will succeed in marriage needs to know is that marriage is in phases! Having gone through a period of courtship, usually marked by “a level of pretence”, where every party presents his/her best to secure the other party’s hand in marriage. A couple who is “madly” in love with each other begins their marital journey with the honeymoon phase, which usually lasts between 6 months to 2 years, depending on the people involved. At this phase, couples are generally romantic, tender and idealistic. It is like heaven on earth. As Gary Chapman put it in his book, 4 Seasons of Marriage, “the Sun is shining, birds are singing, everything is blooming...” at this phase. But immediately after it comes what is known as the Discovery Phase.

As the name implies, it’s time to begin to discover who your partner really is! It’s time to face reality!! At this stage, both parties, including you, come out in their actual colour! No more pretence!!! And believe me, they don’t say “the honeymoon is over” for nothing. This phase can be confusing and discouraging since you’ve experienced so much openness and connection in the honeymoon phase.

Essentially, the couple’s preoccupation with each other and their new, united relationship begins to wind down. They start to think of other things apart from ‘themselves’. They begin to face the reality of things. And, for the first time, they are starting to see flaws in each other that they never noticed, or they did notice in courtship but overlooked because they were madly in love. That is why they say “Love is blind.” But sooner than they expected, marriage is beginning to open their eyes! 

At this phase, they begin to discover themselves: they see the shortcomings of each other. The flaws they could overlook in courtship suddenly become a problem they can no longer cope with, especially since they now have to sleep and wake up with it.

The next thing you want to do is to get your partner to change those things that irritate you. Still, every attempt to get him/her to change meets a brick wall, either because he ignores you when you talk, or she keeps apologising but never stops. You begin to think, “What’s wrong with this guy/babe? I think this marriage is a mistake!” You start to say to yourself, “This is not the man/woman I thought I was getting married to!” Well, the truth is, you have not made a mistake. It’s just a stage of marriage. Every happily married couple you know today once felt the way you are feeling right now. 

In this phase of your marriage, you must know that just as your spouse has flaws, so do you. You are two imperfect people in that marriage. Therefore, you must learn to ignore, forgive and forget as much as possible. Do not sweat over the little things. Please pick up the shoes he has kept in the sitting room. Arrange the clothes she has scattered in the bedroom. Be selfless. In a time like this, letting little things spark up a big flame is easy. Focus on what you can give rather than what you can receive. Forgive before your spouse hurts you. However, you must learn how to communicate effectively and resolve conflict with your spouse, which is an essential skill if you want your relationship to scale through this phase.

Pastor Bosede Ola-Samuel

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