When you see a couple celebrating decades of marital success, they have stories to tell. They have successfully gone through different phases in their marriage, both pleasant and not-so-pleasant ones because marriage is in phases!

Every “normal” couple begins their marital journey with the honeymoon phase. At this stage, the couple, being “madly” in love, are usually romantic, tender and idealistic. The expiration of this phase ushers in the discovery phase, where couples begin to put off the “pretence” of the courtship days and begin to be themselves. They suddenly come face-to-face with the reality of who their spouse really is, discovering that they have carried a “hyped impression” of each other all the while. Their next agenda is to try to remould the spouse into that picture of “their ideal wife/husband.” And this will always be met with great resistance!

By the fifth year of marriage, the couple has entered the third stage, the Power Struggle Phase, also known as the Anger Stage because it is marked by anger. Each party is angry because the other party has refused to change! As the repetition of the spouse’s weaknesses gets so much on their nerves, they begin to pull away from each other, getting seriously irritated and angered, feeling unloved because of the unresolved conflicts. The introverted spouse begins to keep malice, avoiding the other party. They begin to draw boundaries, and as a result, minor issues become mountains. They suddenly become strangers to each other.

Family responsibilities such as children’s school fees, house rent, demanding jobs/careers/business etc., also put a lot of strain on them. And occasionally, thoughts of leaving the relationship come to mind, feeling like their partner is self-centred or uncaring. They begin to think that they have truly missed it in marriage. But the truth is, they have not! It’s only a phase of the marriage!!

Managing this phase well is very essential to the success of the marriage because this is the stage most couples break up or file for divorce. Rather than opting for divorce, couples must commit to praying, talking, and working through it. There may be a need to seek help from a counsellor or trusted friends because their relationship needs help. They must learn to work through their conflicts, meet each other’s needs effectively, communicate better, and spend more quality time together.

However, changes do occur in marriage outside all we have been talking about. Some are normal, while some are abnormal. When a man loses his job, he may not be the sweet husband he has always been. Men and women often react to such changes by becoming touchy, sensitive, defensive, offensive etc. This is normal, though it shouldn’t always be the case, especially for children of God. Rather than becoming touchy and defensive, a man in such a situation must learn to trust God, appreciate his wife’s contributions, and be supportive in other areas while seeking another job. On the other hand, the wife must be sensitive to her husband’s plight and avoid anything that will dampen his morale. She must be patient, understanding, prayerful and supportive. 

Abnormal changes also sometimes occur, such as a partner acting negatively towards the other, engaging in extramarital affairs etc. These call for severe concerns and must be handled with utmost care. Prayers, counselling from appropriate quarters, and commitment to doing the right thing, irrespective of what the other party is doing, are essential.

Pastor Bosede Ola-Samuel

Aunty Bosede OLA - SAMUEL is a Senior Pastor at the Graceway Christian Centre. Along with her husband, Pastor Segun OLA-SAMUEL, she oversees Marriage Enrichment Network M.E.N). The body is committed to promoting the sanctity of the marriage institution, comprising couples from all works of life who are committed to making their marriage work. They are authors of several books, including Enjoying Great Sex Life. She runs a column in Saturday Tribune, a Nigerian newspaper, known as INTIMACY with Bosede Ola-Samuel, with the vision of promoting sexual fulfillment in marriage. And they also run conferences for couples.