Few weeks ago, I was speaking with a friend and we got talking about the pathophysiology (how normally functioning human systems become sickened and produce some signs and symptoms) of extramarital affairs among average adults who have healthy religious backgrounds. We talked to a point and my friend asked – “you appear to have a good mastery of these issues despite the paucity of scientific data.” There is nothing to glory in, we learn through our experiences and those graciously shared with us (in confidence) by others. Every marriage has its highs and lows, and some low points may span a few hours or even, days. Your marriage is still okay, still working.

Some conflicts are healthy and make our marriages better, if well handled. However, while you are busy working away and may not have an hour's contact with your wife in a whole day, unavoidably so, a non maleficent communication may just be opening up with a colleague or assistant or boss or client or agent or just some random coincident contact at the gym, library, cafe, or work or church environment. No affairs intended.

An affair doesn’t necessarily have to feature practical adulterous activities before it qualifies to be an affair. The day I personally realised this was the day I understood my boundaries. The very best practice is to deescalate marital conflicts as soon as possible. Argue it out there and then, disagree all you want but at least always aim at having a positive parting.

By God’s grace, I have had the pleasure of speaking with some men who recounted their experiences. When you allow one or few days to pass before you realign your matrimonial harmony, Satan may have banked a face, perfume, aura, voice, etc into your subconsciousness.

Depending on how long it took for you to become aware of it, you may have been nursing an inferno that is capable of burning down everything you live for. In some insensitive cases, phone numbers (hitherto not exchanged or not necessary) would have been exchanged, the “healthy hello – hello” may have progressed to a long conversation at the tea-table. Don’t forget, you are the one in whose head something is (or somethings are) wrong. The solution lies in you fixing your head, by amicably fixing your domestic conflicts, and seeking help if you have to.

Whoever told African men that they can’t profusely and intently apologise or initiate the resolution of their domestic conflicts has done many avoidable damages to many homes. In reality, husbands can be more wrong than wives; and even when you are obviously right, please show quality leadership and initiate resolution of conflicts.

In this busy 21st century, your career life may pan out such that for many days you may not have the time to hold the crucial “air your minds” meeting with your wife that will precede conflict resolution. My wife and I experienced Lagos Island for some days and we saw the after-work lives of many professionals. Or the firsthand experience of opposing shifts arrangements of professionals in the developed countries. So, you have to be deliberate and make it happen, as fast as possible. Don’t dare overestimate your strength or underestimate the havoc that late realigning may cause.

Let’s gamble that you are very strong. It’s a gamble – to put it mildly. Your wife may have been left vulnerable by this lingering unresolved conflict. Your children are in the balance. Your salvation and family prayer altar are left uncultivated. You are opening up your family to the devourer. For what? Is it because you are too egoistic to initiate the conflict resolution process? You are too right to be sorry but too easy for the enemy to destroy?

The longer it lasts; the more the issue hurts your family and may even hurt more than your family. The new contact may have been innocent and unsuspecting initially, however, you may end up being made emotionally vulnerable by the extra minutes you spend with her, compliments and affections you pass across and so on. You may be striking some chords in her heart that you are not aware of, she being married or engaged notwithstanding.

Worse still, by an unfortunate coincidence, the new contact might be someone looking for an affair, or stable relationship or just to flirt away. These kinds of ladies are too sensitive and would pick at once that there is a hole in your life and she will not only make herself your quick fix, she may actually take initiatives that you wouldn’t have thought of when you egoistically wandered away from the coffers of your wife. By the time you are taking stock, this is not just something wrong in your head, this is adultery. It may take as fast as less than 72 hours to sink a 40 year old tower. And, withdrawing would now take a lot of bravery and help.

If you are there, or if you were there, I have only one advice for you. Today should be the day you halt and return home, to your wife. To help yourself, please open up to your wife and ask for her forgiveness. If you conceal your errors of adultery, you can only get worse. The shame of confessing is nothing compared to the destruction that Delilah’s lap causes. And, if not all, most of the packaging stuffs that you are lusting after can be downloaded and installed in your wife, if only you are wise enough to invest in and nurture your garden.

Selah

©Selah Series 2021