The MDGs phasing unto SDGs has been major global tools in preaching gender equality and most importantly – educating the girl child. I actually can’t think of a greater 21st century’s accomplishments than these. Building on these, there are bold calls from across many strata to ensure the even or fair inclusion of women in lofty organizational positions. If you have an idea of how thorough, compassionate, and fair very many female leaders are, then you may be able to appreciate the massive benefits of women in these significant organizational and government positions. Or, just look at the home fronts where the physiological processes of childbearing have made women the primary fulcrums of our marriages.

However, so many families don’t have a working policy on what works for them and how they are going to ensure that career testimonies do not leave their homes endangered. The career advancements of either or both don’t destroy a home, but their inability to plan and phase those advancements can. The timing of some opportunities can make those opportunities more destructive to a given family than advancing that same family. What works for your friend’s family may not work for yours.

The two of you don’t have to be pursuing postgraduate education and some very demanding career advancements programs at the same time. The fact that many of us were not raised in perfect homes doesn’t mean that our children should suffer the same avoidable fate. Grow with your children, deliberately bond with your spouse, and invest time in being together. Plan your finances and live within your means, as much as possible. Stop vain competition and live your own life, run your race.

For a time in your family cycle, one of you may have to be out of work, or in reduced hours, or working from home, depending on what your family cycle at the time requires. Shortly before our wedding, we met a professional lady in Lagos who only needed to be away from the “killing megacity stress” (04:30 – 21:30) that her work demanded in order for her to sustain a pregnancy. That was all her family needed to do in order for their agonizing experiences to end. Yes, millions of women go through the same process in many big cities and they have as many children as they want. Each person is unique and pregnancy vary from one woman to another.

There are two women whose examples come to mind. Mrs. K. O. (a dearly beloved sister) learned from her miscarriage experience and work stress that it was better to be out of work for some years. She didn’t return to work until after her third and last child had started school. The other woman – Mrs. B. L. decided to take a low – paying nearby job until her third child had started school. Today, the two of them are flying high as though they never slowed down for a year. There comes the role of good–quality husbands.

These two women have impeccable husbands who would not stop at anything until their wives are thoroughly comfortable, they are 2 of my many role models. There is a third family; the woman Mrs. G. B. was in a high-earning job with significant add-on benefits and thus the only logical thing was for the husband to be out of work for few years and take care of his home. By so doing, the wife was able to continue to work. Who says men are not better in the kitchen, chores, and minding children? Although Mrs.G. B. is not a nagging perfectionist and is extremely appreciative of her husband. You should do what works for your home.

We are not saying that either’s career dreams should be sacrificed to nurse the family. No. But that every couple can come up with a mutually fulfilling timeline for each party. There will be days that pregnancy and babysitting jobs are no longer relevant to your family. Your school children will become high school teens and later undergraduates and young professionals. As you progress from one stage to the other, few weekly hours are available for your family to use judiciously on career targets, without hurting your home. Timing.

For instance, the fact that distant family (living in different countries) has worked for your friend’s family doesn’t mean that yours will fare well practicing the same. Some “significant persons” expected that I should have stayed back in the US and do what other men do. I was termed ‘cursed’ or ‘under a spell’ for not following that path; which we consider to be wrong on all fronts. Such a wrong pattern/choice has left many marriages in the ruins. Even within the same country, many marriages don’t survive couples living in different cities/towns. Adam was intended to be there “for and with” Eve, and vice versa – together; not virtually.

Couples’ trying to start a family (having children) is another thing we are rarely prepared for. The fact that these two people have tied the knots doesn’t necessarily mean that they are emotionally, psychologically, and financially ready to start having children. In some cases, some couples are not even physiologically ready, and by no direct faults of their own. Many cultural cares that begin to prophesy on their wedding day about what we expect to happen after nine months may have to be reconsidered. Please don’t pressurize them.

Sometimes last year, Ma'ami advised that I should speak to a couple about family planning measures, after welcoming their third child. I grew up to know that she loves children so much, as many as any couple can have. I joked with her – where is the woman who wanted so many children? And she replied thus – “having children is not as important as raising quality children and Nigeria is no longer cheap”. I spoke to the couple as Ma'ami advised and they have tidied up the process. Every couple should take deliberate efforts to plan child spacing and when to stop.

Family planning in this wise is beyond what our midwives offer in the family planning clinics. Let your bedroom and decision tables be the primary planning place, especially in the place of prayer.

Selah.

©Selah Series 2021