Rightly telling the stories of marriage is no easy task. It is extremely easy to over-complicate the narrative as one attempts to pick the right words to communicate the experiences without eliminating the emotions that come with them. At the same time, bearing all the emotions can make the narrative messy. There must be a right mix of thoughts and emotions. Essentially, a story is best told as it is. There is no need to refine or make it look better than it is; just tell it.

Once the words “I do” are backed with a certificate, a whole new world unfolds right before your eyes. Genesis 2:24, Ephesians 5:31. It does not matter how prepared you think you are, you will be stretched. Bonding with your spouse is the first process you have to go through. If you are lucky, you may get up to a month off work for your honeymoon. Usually, most people have a week or two with their spouses before resuming work. For me, it was just roughly a week away from work, though my wife had a few more weeks to spend at home because it was during school holidays and she was working as a teacher at that time. Managing the rigors of work with your new home can be very difficult. Imagine working away from home in another state in the first year of your marriage, in the first few weeks actually; that was our reality at the beginning of our marriage.

Once school resumed, my wife traveled to her workplace – Ijebu Ode in Ogun State, every week and comes back home by weekends. Soon enough, the weekly journeys turned biweekly and even longer because pregnancy became the new reality and frequent commuting wasn’t advisable. It took extra efforts for us to maintain good communication and keep the cord as strong as it should be, but this didn’t go without times when one spouse felt unattended to and argued that distance wasn’t a barrier. To make it easier, we agreed to always try to discuss how our respective days went, intimating each other on the peculiarities of our works. Understanding the challenges your spouse faces at work positions you to better meet his or her needs. Roman 12:10. Again, communicating how each person feels at every point in time, does help to navigate these rough times.

We didn’t have so much luxury of time to go on frequent dates but our resourcefulness made it easy. You don’t need too much to enjoy amazing moments together; use what you have to create a fun time. Get lots of fun time because you will need them in tough times.

The journey of pregnancy will change your spouse a lot, and the obvious physical changes might be the least concern. She will need all the support she can get to navigate this path. Certain things that never posed any problems may suddenly begin to piss her off; some days can really be tiring as fluctuating emotions and psyche take their tolls on her, and thus toss you around. However, just be the shoulder she can lean on. Help more with house chores and play with her more.

Some of the biggest challenges come when you eventually welcome your bundle of joy. This is great news for the couple and their families but there is so much more to it. The demands of nursing a newborn are high. It helps to have families come around but they will eventually return and thereafter begins arguably the greatest task for any family – parenting.

Recently, a couple shared how they were so overwhelmed by the responsibilities of being new parents that they both broke down in tears. They could not believe how much their lives have been altered by the gift of God to their family. They wept together and wiped tears off each other’s faces. They then decided to take each other out, focusing on their needs, and momentarily not that of their baby.

Combining work demands and family responsibilities is another aspect that usually cause challenges early in marriages, and ways to avoid mishap in this area is to set priorities and limit after-work involvements. Using myself as a case study, I don't buy into the idea of going to "joints" post-work or visiting friends after work, I would rather plan a day to do that. By so doing, I will be able to get home early and put some things in place for my family e.g. laundry, dishes, shopping, cooking, evening time and chats with my family and so on.

In a nutshell, couples at the early stage of marriage can overcome a rough start in marriage by putting God first, Proverb 3:5/6. Know and prepare for the challenges ahead by taking instructions from the One who instituted marriage. Psalm 127:1.

Damilare Ganiyu

'Lekan Agunbiade adds – “Many thanks to our parents for their roles in making the first few months of parenting much more bearable. The “omuguo” period is a great 'internship' opportunity for the new parents. But how about couples whose mothers have passed away or are unavailable due to ill health or distance? I grew up in settings and days when women in the church/mosque, immediate community, the senior colleagues of the new parents would take turns to help. And, I want to plead that our mothers, aunts, and sisters please have a look at this once again. Any help at this crucial point will be lifetime treasures for the new parents. However, young people going into marriage should remember that an excellent human relationship is A KEY that opens many doors. Spend your bachelorhood and spinsterhood days building good human relationships and serving others.

Secondly, where practicable, couples should live in the same house. If you can't return home each evening, you may want to look for another job locally or within the daily commute bracket. Given the unemployment problems in Nigeria, please don't leave your current job until you have found another one, a lesser salary notwithstanding. Few exceptions would include a short-term appointment/project out of town or secondment or early months of a permanent transfer.

Damilare is a dear friend who along with his wife are navigating the very rough early years of marriage by God's grace and the support networks around them while making steady progress in their busy professional endeavours and services to humanity.

©Selah Series 2021