"Keeping separate accounts is the best for my own family. At the beginning of our marriage, my ATM card was with my husband, only to discover that he would withdraw from my account to give his family members while my family members would come and he would say "there was no money". The day I got to know, I collected my ATM from him, which didn't go down well with him. He was so furious that he said I will regret doing so.

We have been married for more than a decade. It is only the issues of finances that usually cause fight between us. When he has money, he would be thinking of how to satisfy his own extended family. Since he won't tell me if he wants to do anything for his extended family, I don't tell him anything I want to do for my extended family too.

We both work in the same setting. Recently, we were paid a very juicy arrears. I invested mine on a luxurious need to make our home much comfortable and beautiful. My husband spent his on his extended family. While I don't have any problems with him (or preferably - us) taking care of the needs in his extended family, but I ended up feeling like a bad daughter, in a way.

My parents had been disturbing me for an assistance that bothers on their home's safety. I didn't meet their safety needs because I thought I should satisfy my immediate family first whereas my husband prioritized his extended family without any recourse for his own immediate family. My retired parents eventually had to get loans to fix their needs.

I always pray to God to help me on how to live with him daily and to avoid fight on finances. And, God has been helping me. He is getting better and I trust God to continue to help him. Although at the beginning of our marriage, financial issues made things tough for our home.

What I recommend for everyone is that they should know their God. Jesus is the Way, the Truth and the Life. It was after I became genuinely born again myself, that I told God about him. And the Lord has been helping him."

In response to the above experience graciously shared by a dear friend (and used with her kind permission), I will share few insights that might be of help to many families.

One of the most divisive issues in any marriage is finance. And, lack of finance is less divisive in a home, it may surprise many. Handling, managing and administering finances and wealth in a family is much tougher for many couples than the less endowed folks coping through poverty.

Family by adoption

The right idea that I expect in a healthy marriage is that your in laws are your parents too. Just as your parents double as the parents to your spouse. It's now a bigger family and you two now have four parents. Please, everyone going to the altar and those in marriages should have this at the back of their minds. It will solve most of the in-law issues in many marriages.

Principle of Transparency

Just as we all demand accountability and transparency from our political leaders, and in the absence of these essential attributes, we easily lose confidence in them. Exact same thing applies to financial situations in marriages. When you begin to delve into some secretive or surprise transactions or projects with your background family members, without the full knowledge of your spouse, you are gradually inviting crises into your marriage. And I don't know any home that can do well in the absence of confidence and trust.

Moreover, "transparent transparency" is very helpful for your marriage. Be transparent to your background family regarding the principle of transparency being adhered to, in your marriage. Let your background family know that every token that comes to them have the inputs and understanding of your spouse. It will buy respect, not just for your spouse, but for you as well. Oh, I see fingers now. You can start the corrective process in your marriage, stop pointing accusing fingers.

Objectivity

There will be countless nobles tasks and responsibilities from both sides. One or more of your four parents may have more pressing needs, or be more demanding or choosy than the other(s). You have to be very very objective. The nepotism and favouritism that run in many homes is worse than that of our selfish political leaders. God has blessed you with financial comfort. Your parents are living in a mansion of their own, but your in-laws are renting a slum downtown; grow up, folk!! Initiate the process of 2 bedroom bungalow for them.

Felt needs first - priority

In your objective assessments of the clashing needs and tasks, let felt needs be pursued first. Health related needs should be higher on your priorities, than oku agba or other owanbes. One of your four parents can make headache look like cardiac arrest? I can relate. Let your objectivity put such a parent where they belong. If wind blows the roof of your in laws, that's a more urgent task for your family, than surprise birthday gifts due to the other side.

Proactive kindness

You are not running joint account? I hear. Not running joint account in your marriage should not mean "to your tent oh Israel"! Can you kindly look at your in-laws closely and set out to meet a need there? That's the constructive aspect of surprises that will reinforce your home. Your spouse may even apply your family's current financial situation to objectively discourage you, persist and push through. I still don't know someone who will not appreciate their spouse for such kindness.

Your in-laws are very rich? All the more interesting. I have found out that rich people rarely get small and mundane gifts. They may appreciate a #2,000 worth of fresh fruits more than you can imagine, especially knowing that you are not yet a millionaire. You saw that their kitchen could do with new napkins and your mother-in-law explained how she just keeps forgetting to get them, that's your opportunity to meet a felt need. And who says men can't get kitchen napkins? Abeg, let's start being real. That gesture to your mother-in-law may even be received by your wife as more romantic than you getting underwears for her.

Your nuclear family first

Having said the above, I urge you by the mercies of God to prioritize the comfort and welfare of your family, above all else. The needs from right and left families will never stop, sincerely yours. Human needs are insatiable. There is no wisdom in you hurting your nuclear family in order to meet your parent's or siblings' luxurious needs. Health emergencies, one off situations like - a dream opportunity for a younger sibling may be understandable.

But even at that, your spouse should be furnished with insight and if you have to hesitate few hours or days to have their agreement, as long as the waiting time does not jeopardise human life, please wait. If you are not running joint account, you may not necessarily have to wait for his/her consent, but please inform promptly. Separate accounts should not mean the end of openness and effective communication in your marriage. Selah.

Good morning and have a prosperous week.

© SELAH SERIES 2020