In the previous editions of Selah Series, I wrote on handling finances in marriage. The most striking summation then was a plea to couples not to allow money wreck their homes, and that if you could mutually yield your treasured bodies (the temple of God) to one another – on the platter of marriage, then mutually yielding your finances should not be a tough call. While I will still agree with that conclusion, intervening experiences have helped to highlight the dire need for an upgrade.

At the busy peak of putting bits together ahead of this ongoing Series, a dearly beloved younger friend and boss of mine invited me to be a guest faculty at an online Sisters’ debate with focus on today's topic. It was a privilege for me to make the session and I enjoyed the honour of learning from the amazing ladies.

Before we go ahead, oblige me to address our brothers – married and unmarried. Over the years, our societies have used tailored sisters’ programs to churn out impeccable women, wives and mothers. From high schools through to tertiary education and across all levels of womanhood, there are groups and platforms investing different resources and opportunities to build some qualities in our ladies and women to ensure that they are “more than just pretty faces”.

I came across this wise saying for the first time in late 2017. It happened that I lost a button – at work, and this beautiful Irish mother of four who was our HCA on duty just pulled me to a side and opened her handbag; she sorted out my uniform in just few minutes and told me as she walked away – “more than just a pretty face”. Besides her very busy hospital and motherhood roles, this lady also serves her nuclear family as a tailor, hairstylist, painter and so on; with apprenticeship in few of these areas.

So, I am worried – how many men can boast that they are more than “handsome faces” or “more than amazing suits”? It is high time we engineered groups in our high schools, tertiary education settings, work places, communities and in professional spheres that will help to also build men of nobler worth and whose overall packages are more beautiful than their heights, salaries and/or charming outlooks. It is high time we began to build men of impeccable manners and who are “treats” to the queens in their lives. If we have to follow football less, it is okay – we should just refocus on building amazing men, once again. Parents especially should please take note too.

Let’s come back to today’s business. As l followed the passionate presentation of the sisters who argued for joint account, I agreed so much and nodded YES quite many times, until I began to remember some unfortunate experiences that one must learn from and avoid recurrence.

In our young marriage, Titilayo and I run more of a blended account than joint. Salaries and incomes are paid into our respective individual accounts but no password, transaction, project, gifting or financial commitments happen without each of them being discussed and mutually agreed upon. From which and whose account? Any card that has money on it goes to shopping while a particular account is tailored to host substantial amount of cash to fund standing orders and debit mandates such as rent, insurance and so on. This very open/transparent, expansive and easy approach to financial management used to be my recommendation until I learnt that different strokes apply to different folks. What do I mean?

A very close friend of mine, having seen us through and through entered into her marriage motivated by what she saw in our young family. We never anticipated any reason to caution her. But, the man is very different from the transparent principles and our friend didn’t realize until some monumental losses had happened. He doesn’t drink, not a womanizer, not into drugs or such things, but yet, there is a notorious trait that courtship didn’t reveal. Indulge not to specifically state the wrong habit.

So, the issue is that, money – however substantial the amount, disappears from his wallet and bank account, faster than thin smoke disappears into the atmospheric air. Time and again. The female version of this man is with sanguine impulsive shoppers; always purchasing things that aren’t necessary for the family’s vision, at a given time.

You don’t go into blended or joint account with such folks, please. You might be told of satanic powers at work and the need for spiritual intervention; I totally agree, but just insist on and run separate accounts so that the satanic powers will not devastatingly be hurting two folks with one strike, while your spouse retain Satan's destructive services in one form or the other.

There is one more approach usually proposed by men that I no longer recommend. The woman will be funding domestic runnings from her account while the man is funding family projects from his account. Administratively, it appears so straightforward. But, that is until you come across some selfish, egoistic and materialistic spouses who are so possessive of their family's properties in the first person singular – mine, me, my and I.

The woman spent her salary to feed the family, family's social events and maybe paid rent for many years while family projects and children’s tuition were funded from the man’s salary. Now the man will be boasting to have singlehandedly built the mansion they live in – some going as far as bringing financial ledgers to prove how every transaction emanated from their personal bank accounts. For another man, there were invoices to also prove how he singlehandedly sent the children through schools.

The woman’s many years’ earnings and labours are beneath the earth - in the septic tank and soak away!

In a particular case, the evil spouse knew where he was going, from the beginning of their journey. In another family, the woman was the evil party, she would drain her husband dry with oriki (eulogies) and gratitude while she was investing heavily in secret entrepreneurial projects. She too had set out so early to be a wealthy woman – not necessarily a wealthy family. So, her very trusting, unsuspecting and generous husband took care of building, domestic runnings, tuition and maintenance of their background families. The heart of mortals, who can know it?

So, what then do I recommend, please know your spouse and apply that knowledge of him or her to decide what is best for your context. No one size fits for all. I recommend whatever works best for you and safeguards you from avoidable heartbreak. A o ni se asedanu o (may we not labour loss).

For the people preparing for marriage, please discuss this in your courtship and have a good understanding of your decisions - the pros and the cons. Mutual love, openness, accountability and sacrificial commitment to your family's prosperity should be your guiding principles.

Have a refreshing weekend.

© SELAH SERIES 2020