Avoiding conflicts in a marriage is a far-fetched goal. Common conflicts in marriage bring the couple together with their set of value systems, diverse cultural backgrounds and preferences. It is highly germane that marital disputes are resolved within the shortest period to prevent their debilitating effects on the marriage. In as much as possible, communication should not be affected during marital conflict because it is through communication that conflicts are resolved promptly. Reaching a middle ground is about discussing a conflicting issue politely and productively. It is not something that comes naturally to a couple. They must make a conscious effort to ensure that the conflict does not burn the bridge in their relationship. There is no harm in “disagreeing to agree” in marriage. Every attempt made to resolve the dispute must not be hurtful or disrespectful. Once the opinion of any partner is disrespected or abused, it will be difficult to reach that peaceful middle ground.

If the couple wants to reach a peaceful middle ground, none of them should assume that his or her partner to be a mind reader or assume they share the same expectations. They must respectfully, maturely and prayerfully discuss the conflicting issue politely and productively. Then the two of them should reach a consensus on how to go about the issue.

Mrs. Temidayo Awvioro

Okay. But this raises the question - “how peaceful is the middle ground?” There are five strategies for conflict management. As noted above, competition is a no-no for any marriage that intends to succeed, and avoidance is not so feasible either. It is important to note that these two are low in cooperation. Cooperation is more or less the key performance indicator for any union that will thrive. On the healthier side of cooperation lie accommodation and collaboration. 

As peaceful as accommodation may appear, it may be as devastating to a marriage as competition is. When overused and especially when accommodation is unidirectional, it only offers pseudo peace, if at all peaceful. When most of the time, it is a party who shifts ground to accommodate the other person, or when the concession is usually not even 75/25, 80/20, 90/10, it would get to a point where the person who does most of the shifting gets frustrated and with time, becomes bitter. The far-right and the far-left cultures have problems suppressing one of the two people in the union. As Christians, we are co-heirs with Christ, and we are to be mutually submissive to one another. That does not quash the man’s office as the head of the home, but of course, in a servant-leader format - as we have so learned of Christ, the head of the Church. So, if peace in your home has been sustained by your spouse shifting ground more frequently than you do, please repent today. You may be destroying your home already. 

When people have been circumcised such that they are only committed to working out their marriage and not their egos, collaboration becomes their driving force. Have you ever wondered why collaboration works more in business worlds and compromise is preached in marriage seminars? It is to prevent consequential extreme assertiveness and marginalisation (oneway-accommodation). So, if you can be consistent in effective & respectful communication, can prioritise excellently to achieve common goals, can consciously look out for one another and be sensitive to each other’s dynamic needs - then be our guest in the collaboration chamber. Marriage is work; marriage is business, God’s institution, and we are His employees. 

Hold on! Compromises are the secret code for sustainable success, even at the peak of collaboration (including in businesses). Never collaborate to the point that you forget how to compromise, for in compromises lies the most effective way of managing your differences - disagreeing to agree.

©️ SELAH SERIES 2023